


Performance Anxiety

by canadino



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, Non-Explicit Sex, a lot of talk about penis and vagina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:37:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4406687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadino/pseuds/canadino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okita worries about how to satisfy his girlfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Performance Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> There won't be any explicit sexual content but a lot of mention of penis and occasionally vagina. I was talking with a friend who entertained the idea of differences in Yato anatomy and here we are. I appreciate you putting up with this and reading it all the way through. Thank you and leave a comment if you enjoyed it.

It just so happened that Kagura grew up and matured into a fine woman, and Okita got his act together. On her nineteenth Earth birthday, he told her he had feelings for her but not to take it seriously. She told him he was disgusting and should keep his thoughts to himself. This and that happened and it was just the right circumstances that Kagura didn’t really mind if their hands found each other in the dark out back behind the Yorozuya headquarters and Okita let her kiss the side of his mouth with the kind of malice reserved for an enemy you want to keep close. That and this happened and Kagura caught him with his pants down in his room in the Shinsengumi headquarters when she came to visit him one morning, no doubt to mooch some money from him because Gin was never going to pay his employees on time until the day he died and then some. Because he was a gentleman, he scrambled to cover himself, but if Okita did say so himself, he was modestly endowed and they were dating, in some senses of the word, so it wasn’t completely uncalled for that she see his dick and, well, she could mentally prepare herself for that holy night, as Kondo liked to put it whenever he was interfering with his love life.

“Oh,” Kagura said, still standing in the doorway and her face looked bored. “I’ve seen bigger.”  


It seemed women really knew where it hurt the most. 

“Hijitaka,” Okita said, still spiteful they were still in the same gridlock for years but there would come his day. “How big’s your dick, both soft and hard?”  


The mayonnaise bottle in Hijikata’s hand sputtered and sprayed white condiment in the vicinity of his bowl. “Um,” he said, and Okita kept steady eye contact with his face. “I really don’t see how that’s any of your business. Aren’t you a little too old to be comparing dick sizes anyway?”

“So you’re a little breakfast sausage. Okay, sorry for asking.”   


Okita thought about it and came to his next best conclusion: if Kagura had some point of comparison to his own gods’ gift to Earth, it had to be from the place she called home. As an early riser, Okita arrived at the Yorozuya early and stopped Shinpachi as he was coming up the stairs. By no means was he abusing his position as an officer of the law, but as he held the tip of his sword against Shinpachi’s neck, he said, “Before I arrest you and your vulgar boss for indecent exposure toward a minor, tell me how long your dick is.”

“I’ve never exposed myself to a minor!” Shinpachi squeaked.   


“China girl just became of age recently. Don’t play games with me. You two have skirted under the law long enough, and we’ve been kind to look the other way. Now if you’ll answer my question, we can make this as painless as possible.”

“What’s the ruckus?” Gintoki’s head peered over the railing. “It’s so early, surely Shinpachi hasn’t had that much time to get up to no good. Ooh, unless he stopped to help a young girl help her grandmother across the street and copped a feel. Hmm, you better have made that worth it, good girls are up this early.”  


“Boss,” Okita said, turning his sword to Gintoki. “You said you treated her like your daughter. I had no idea you were into the incest kink. I’ll have you thrown in the slammer for that.”  


“If anyone should be thrown in the slammer, it should be you, a young guy spewing such filthy things on my doorstep at seven in the morning.”  


“I’ll get to the point,” Okita said, safely inside the Yorozuya office and satiated with hastily brewed tea and broken rice crackers. Kagura was conveniently still sleeping at Shinpachi’s. “China girl saw my penis.” He willfully ignored the look of horror on Shinpachi’s face. “She said she’d seen bigger. Now I’m not saying I’m insecure about myself, but the only logical conclusion one could make from that is that she must have seen yours. Which, I remind you, was a crime until not long ago. So I’m here to ask: how big are yours?”

“This is really what you came here for,” Shinpachi said.   


“It’s not how big you are, it’s how you use it,” Gintoki said, nodding.   


“Stop being difficult. Now tell me your sizes.”  


“We really didn’t expose ourselves to her,” Shinpachi insisted. “That’s not family friendly and defeats the purpose of the series, though I suppose you coming over here to talk about this shoots us off into some branch completely unrelated to the main story.”  


“How would she have a point of comparison?” He frowned. “What kind of work do you people do on a daily basis? I know this is Kabuki District, but that’s ridiculous.”  


“She’s a Yato,” Gintoki said.   


“I’m aware of that.”  


“She’s an Amanto,” Gintoki repeated. “So doesn’t that mean they have some kind of anatomical difference from humans? I mean, I wouldn’t know, I have no interest in looking at Kagura’s private parts, but wouldn’t you think someone not from Earth would have - how should I say - unearthly bells and whistles?”  


Yamazaki, stakeout expert and data collection master, was no stranger to the Shinsengumi library archives. On one such visit to where the Shinsengumi kept all their files on previous cases, all data and intel collected, and various bits of information for future cases, he found Okita sitting on the floor in the Amanto section with a stack of files beside him. “Um,” Yamazaki said. “If you needed any information, you could definitely get one of us to find it for you.”

“Great timing,” Okita said, obviously having ignored what Yamazaki had just suggested. “I’ve been looking and looking for this in all our files but it seems to be overlooked in all the documents we have about the Yato clan. Approximately, how long would you say a Yato male’s penis is? I’m interested in the average size.”  


When Yamazaki awoke from his faint, he was in the Shinsengumi clinic with Kondo at his side. After being assured he was feeling fine, Kondo asked the most obvious question - what had caused Yamazaki, a man who had seen so much and had experienced anpan nirvana, to faint out of the blue in the archives? In response, Kondo received a series of disjointed words and Yamazaki’s face turning blue, but with his masterful deduction skills, he was able to decipher the meaning behind ‘Yato’ and ‘penis’ and ‘Okita’. 

“Sougo,” Kondo said, bursting into Okita’s room, “I want you to know that no matter what your inclinations are, you always have a home at the Shinsengumi and in my heart.”  


“Chief,” Okita muttered. “Could Yato women have labyrinth vaginas?”  


After Kondo had been resuscitated and heavily questioned by Hijitaka, the Shinsengumi held an organization wide meeting. “Sougo,” Hijitaka said. “With the collected manpower of the Shinsengumi here before you, apologize for the trouble you’ve caused recently.”

“Everyone,” Okita said. “The Amanto are not like humans. But if you think about other species that aren’t humans, they have pretty funky anatomy too. Duck penises are corkscrews because girl ducks insides are a maze to prevent careless mating. Do you think that’s the case with Amanto races too?”  


A heavy silence descended in the room. “That’s not what I asked you to say,” Hijitaka said eventually. 

“Have any of you heard any kind of rumors like that? Or experienced it yourself?”   


The silence continued. 

“Has no one on Earth had sex with a Yato woman?”  


“Uh,” Yamazaki ventured, still looking frail from the incident in the archives. Color had tentatively returned to his face, which was more than could be said for Kondo, who had taken to lying in bed and whimpering about how a boy he considered his son was no longer recognizable to him, speaking freely about sexy bits and parts with abandon. “Well, if it’s urgent, we could call our Yato specialist…we’ve worked with him before, so I guess he could understand…”  


“I’m not calling my girlfriend’s father to ask him about his dick.”  


“Aren't Yato men supposed to be, uh,” said a voice in the back. The man gestured broadly as if he were playing an accordion. “I mean, that’s what I heard.”  


“Men,” Hijitaka said. “I didn’t call this meeting to discuss frivolous things and entertain certain people’s love lives.”  


“Could I really be considered a man if I couldn’t satisfy my girlfriend?” Okita asked him. “Well, I guess you wouldn’t know.”  


Okita Sougo was given a week of paid vacation to vacate the Shinsengumi headquarters to cool his head and reorient himself to the police officer he was. Considering that his living quarters were in the Shinsengumi headquarters and he had no living family to house him outside, this equated to him loitering around in quarters in casual clothing, ambushing random members to get access to the archives which were temporarily off limits for him. After three days of various jump scares, Hijitaka banished him off the property during work hours and forbade anyone from speaking to him. “Get your act together,” he said at the gates, standing like a pillar between Okita and the rest of the police. “I’ve never seen you behave like this over a girl.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Okita groused, although Hijitaka’s pitying look made his remark seem less scathing. Maybe he really was sexually frustrated, after thinking about Amanto dick, and not even in the suggestive way that phrasing insinuated. He’d get laid, but unfortunately that was the source of his current anxieties.   


“Oh my,” Tae said, smiling although it didn't her eyes. Okita didn’t bother wasting a scowl on her; one didn’t get under the skin of a woman like her by straightforward, aggressive methods. She was the type who was irritated more so by being disregarded altogether. Okita supposed he wasn’t there to get on her bad side, but it was his natural disposition. “If Kagura saw you here, what would she think?”  


“I’m just doing business for you,” Okita said, waving his hand absentmindedly. “And isn’t this what you girls do anyway? Be side chicks for a living?”  


“I definitely don’t approve of you,” Tae assured him. “But because Kagura can handle you, I just don’t worry as much.” She ordered a bottle of wine for him and she was holding back because it was only the second most expensive in the house. Okita didn’t know if it was for his sake or Kagura’s, but he frankly didn’t care. “You asked for me, though, and you couldn’t wait until I was off work, so I’m assuming you have something you want to talk to me about.”  


“Not really,” he shrugged. She poured him a drink with as little feeling as possible. He could almost taste the apathy in the glass. “Have you ever considered dating an Amanto?”  


Tae looked at him for a long time. “Feeling insecure, aren’t we?”

“I’m not insecure.” He finished his wine and waved his empty glass at her, but Tae did not move to reach for the bottle. Terrible service. “What’s there to be insecure about? I’m young, I’m hot, I’ve had girlfriends before, and they’ve all been devastated when I broke up with them.” Another hostess in a kimono equally as colorful and gaudy as Tae’s came over to place snacks on the table. “But China girl isn’t a regular girl…so I’m wondering if my methods are working on her, that’s all.”   


Surprisingly, Tae’s mouth, which had been a straight, tight line the entire time she had been sitting with him, cracked in a smile, and there was no condescension or smugness behind it at all. She took the bottle of wine and poured another serving into his glass. “It makes me feel a little better too to hear you’re putting some effort into this relationship.” 

“Don’t be patronizing,” said Okita. “I’m a great boyfriend.”  


“Ms. Tae,” the snack hostess whined. “Why’re you hogging all the good boyfriends to yourself? Let some of us at them once in a while.” Okita opened his mouth to tell her to mind her own business, but he shut it again when the hostess stood up and it was Kagura, with her hair done and pinned up with flowers. “Tae called me when you came in and asked for her so I’m here to make sure she doesn’t beat you up too bad for trying to cheat on me.”  


“I should be saying the same thing,” Okita sniffed. “Going around a hostess club in that getup like you actually work here. You’ll trick a man into thinking you’re fair game.”  


“Maybe I’d actually find a good man. Any man’s an upgrade from you.”   


“As the highest earning hostess at this club,” Tae chirped, interrupting their escalating back and forth, “I have plenty of clients to be entertaining at this time. Take over this table, Kagura. And make sure he pays for everything.” Kagura slid into the booth with a grace all seasoned hostesses lost during their first few weeks on the floor. A man would be hard pressed to actually believe Kagura worked at the club, with the way she was leering at him and sitting really close to him just because she could. It bothered him, naturally, but not enough to make him move away.   


“You have ten seconds to tell me why you’re here paying to look at women when you’re dating a super attractive and sensuous woman yourself.” She emptied the rest of the wine into a glass for herself before smashing the bottle against the table and holding the shattered remains up against his stomach. “It better be good, like you actually have a death wish and want to be ended by my hand or you’re stopping that gorilla from kidnapping Boss.”  


“They put me on paid leave.” In any other circumstance, Okita assumed Kagura would not react to such a statement, but being his girlfriend, he was granted some slack. The sharp points of the broken glass no longer poked against his stomach through his clothes.   


“Why did they do that?”  


“Oh, I don’t know.” He put on his best smile knowing full well she could probably see its shit-eating quality. It was a half truth anyway. “They said I wasn’t focusing because I was thinking too hard about my personal life.” He leaned in to mirror her and she didn’t back down, but her scowl softened. They were, he thought, the perfect picture of sexual tension. The thought reminded him of why he was actually kicked out for the moment.   


“You’re so full of it,” she grumbled. “You think flattery’s going to stop you from getting a stomach full of glass. Well, I guess I could downgrade to having a face full of glass.”   


“That’s a downgrade?” He glanced at the remaining wine. “Finish your wine and let’s get out of here.”   


If only Mitsuba could see him now, he thought aimlessly. It was only a few years ago he would snarl and prohibit his girlfriends from even holding his hand in public, out of concern for his brand image at the Shinsengumi and the sort of commitment those gestures always involved - but here he was, walking along in the dark with a girl’s arm wrapped around his and he wasn’t making so much as a peep in protest. He didn’t even push her away when anyone passed them. This was the definition of character growth, though not that he necessarily needed any. Kagura had changed in the same subtle way too, though age probably had something to do with it; she no longer needed to verbally assert her femininity, now no longer flat as a board and tiny before puberty. “Did you really get kicked out because you were thinking about me?” She was still persistent as ever. 

“If that’s what you want to think, then that’s exactly why.”   


“I’ll never get a straight answer from you.” They were heading back toward Yorozuya, because he was a gentleman and he walked his girlfriend home. “Hey.” Her tone shifted; it was no longer the arrogant drawl she used to deal with her coworkers or to the children who ran around her asking her to do her Herculean feats to entertain them. “Hey, I was thinking…I don’t really want to go home tonight and I told Gin I was seeing you and you got kicked out of the dorms, so…”   


Oh, god, this was really happening. She had definitely planned it because they were right in the middle of the row of hotels in the Kabuki District. “I’m not exactly kicked out from the dorms,” he said, hating the way he was starting to sound mildly panicked. “I can go back and sleep, if I wanted.”

“But I’m tired now,” Kagura whined, pulling at his arm. “Let’s just get a room for the night, okay? We were running around all day on a job and I just had to exert my womanly wiles at the hostess bar, so I just want to get some sleep-eye.”  


“Is that really what you want?” They were making a big fuss and reversing gender stereotypes. The typical scene on a regular night was a man persistent on getting a woman to bed, but today, Kagura was pulling him toward one such love hotel. He ought to count his lucky stars it wasn’t one with the incessant blinking neon lights in the front, but still. “Look, I’m not made of money. Government officials don’t make jack shit.”  


She let go of him; more accurately, she threw his arm from around hers. “Fine,” she said. “Fine, if you’re going to be like that. I’m going home. Don’t follow me.” She began striding away with great purpose. 

Okita knew force wasn’t going to work on her; in the worst case scenario, she’d probably break his arm and he’d be on paid leave forever. Girls like Kagura were a dime a dozen but - well, for her, boys like him probably were too. “Hey, manager,” he yelled at the rental window. “I’d like to get a room for the night. And call your hottest girl for me too.”

Just like that, Kagura was right next to him again. “Hey big boy,” she purred. “I heard you’re looking for the hottest girl in Kabuki District?”

She was halfway out of her clothes by the time Okita closed the room door behind him. “I don’t know why you’re being so difficult about this,” she was saying. She was now in her underwear and if Okita had been wondering around the shape of her breasts through the clothing she always wore, it was right in front of him now. “We’ve been dating for, what, three months or something now and I’m not a virgin and I know as hell you’re not a virgin, so why are you not taking initiative and seizing this holy night?”

“Oh my god,” said Okita. “Don’t call it that.”   


She kissed him. She kissed him, and she was pressing her chest up against him and she was wearing pink underwear, sort of in between the kiddie print underwear and adult woman lace underwear, and, Okita thought, maybe it wasn’t going to be that bad. Dick sizes be damned, he wasn’t too shabby. She helped him out of his clothes and he helped her out of her underwear. Kagura laughed when he kissed her left breast, as if challenging him to be more daring. He was raring to go, in all senses of the word, even now after he had suited up and she had lubed him up as if it was going out of style. She was staring at him now, her hands on his shoulders with a faint pressure, and he felt the urgent need to inform her:

“Now’s probably a good time to tell you I don’t have a corkscrew penis.”  


If this fazed her, she didn’t let it show. “I’m really glad about that,” she said. “It’s not barbed or thorny or diseased either, is it?”

“I’m being serious. I’m only human, here. I don’t know if I have what it takes to, um, get through your labyrinth cooch.”   


Kagura burst out laughing. “What the hell are you talking about? Is this some roundabout way to saying you end really fast or something?”

“No. I can go until morning.” She was still laughing at him like she didn’t believe it. “It’s just - I’m not a Yato, okay. I’m not equipped like one. So if you’re not happy then feel free to dump me afterwards if you want.” He took a deep breath and was about to take the plunge when she put a hand on his chest.  


“Sougo.” He was amazed he was so affected by her calling him by his given name, because this was definitely not a shoujo manga. “Wait, are you still upset about what I said a few days ago? I’m sorry. I was just trying to heckle you.”  


“What? No way. What are you talking about? I’ve already forgotten it.”  


“I knew it. Gin and Shinpachi told me you came by recently talking about dicks and stuff. I was actually kind of relieved to hear you were over at the hostess club, actually.” Kagura gave him a radiant smile, which he would have enjoyed if he wasn’t trying to avoid actually meeting her eyes. This was humiliating. “I’m no expert in Yato anatomy because we’re not a race that really thinks too much about sex ed or anything, but even if we’re any different, it’s not going to be radically different than a regular human woman. We’re basically super powered humans, and I wasn’t hatched from an egg to my knowledge, so I really don’t think you need to worry about…what was it…labyrinth cooches.”  


“Are you done?” Okita could feel his ears burning.   


“Although…I am going to take you up on that offer to dump you if I’m unsatisfied, so you better perform well.” She winked at him. “It would be more embarrassing if everyone knew why I was the one who got away, right?” She tapped him on the cheek, almost condescendingly.   


“Now that I know,” Okita said, and he was proud to have been hard through these trying times, “I’m definitely not going to hold back, so you’d better prepare yourself.”   


“Sure, sure. I’ll let you know if I feel anything!”  



End file.
